Worry and guilt, worry and guilt....

On Sunday I did my mother's grocery shopping and then took over lunch (grilled chicken salad on pumpernickel and leftover roast beets).  We had a nice time but when I said I had to get going she said "oh you do?" so sadly.  She's really struggling with loneliness.  I am trying to make sure we do several meals with her a week and I try to call everyday.  This weekend we were over there Saturday morning as the boys wanted to stay with her rather than go to the farmer's market and then I was over again on Sunday.  Man, I'm trying but I don't know that it's enough.  I struggle with what to do.  I know some people think I should just move her in with us.  I really vacillate.  I don't know how much longer she will be able to transfer herself and then that means that given I work and Ernie is at home that I am asking him to physically care for her.  I don't know that he can handle that right now on top of dealing with the kids and everything else.  I wish the hormones had totally suppressed his cancer....it's hard to know what will happen and he is much more tired on the hormones than he was before.  Then there is also the logistical aspect of the house and fitting her in.  It's almost feels like it did with Assisted Living----there's a time frame where it works and my parents missed the window of opportunity there----by the time they tried it, it was too late for it to work.  That's kind of how I feel about this.  I just don't know. I go back and forth between worry and guilt, worry and guilt, worry and guilt.

This weekend she got a notice that the headstone was placed on my father's grave.  I suggested that we all drive out on Friday afternoon (I don't work on Friday afternoons) to see it.  The boys will want to see it---and Owen's been wanting to bring flowers out there.  I think it will be hard on my mom but she's anxious to go just the same.

In the meantime tomorrow we will have dinner over at her house. I'm trying. I'm really trying.