no name post

I'm so tired. 

I woke up tired this morning. 

I never feel like people don't understand---I don't yell "nobody gets me" as Owen does....but I don't think anyone knows how tired I am.  Bone tired.  Mind tired.  Heart tired.

I don't know how to keep doing this.

I got home last night and found out there were problems with Judi's health insurance.  We talked about it a bit and then I tried to get dinner together.  While I was doing that  Owen had a screaming tantrum over me not letting him open a box of Ritz Bits to give to Leo.  Not that Leo had even asked for it mind you.  Owen didn't even have tantrums like this when he was two.  It went on and on and on.  This is a recent development.  Of course I know how much stress there is in our house.....  In fact we had already figured it would be good for him (both boys actually) to have someone to talk to so Ernie called to get a referral from our pediatrician.  We got one----and we may be able to get an appointment for February.  Gee thanks.  He eventually calmed down but not before he exhausted everybody in the house.  I got Judi's dinner (which turned out so-so).  I was too wound up to eat. 

We watched election results with Leo excitedly coloring the states on his US map from school the appropriate red or blue and happily reporting that his class had voted for Obama.  Owen bounced around shouting 'Obama.'

Judi went to bed, Leo went up to read.  Owen fell asleep watching  the election coverage.  I was too tired to fix food so I made do with pumpkin seeds left over from Halloween.  I went to bed once McCain gave his concession speech but I woke up tired.

I called my mother this morning.  I had planned to call her last night---I try to call her most days---but in the chaos I hadn't.  She cried when I talked to her---said she thought somebody would call her last night...that she was so lonely....

I told her I was sorry...that it had been a crazy evening.  I tried to stay calm but I couldn't help getting upset.  She told me I got upset  easily.  Then she told me she had a doctor's appointment tomorrow and that she thought they wanted me to be there.

I swear to God....I'm doing the best I can.  I just don't think I can do any better than I'm doing.

I guess it's not all bad.  This morning Owen looked at me dreamily and said, "I bet Harrison Ford voted for Obama...."