Trying

Man, I'm TRYING to feel like Christmas.  I mean...I LOVE Christmas.  I'm like my dad---and Leo----we're the line of Christmas keepers in the family.  I'm having a tough time this year---possibly for the first time in my life.  I haven't even been doing many Christmas pictures here like I usually do.  I'm excited about the boys' Christmas....but otherwise.....  and I really WANT to feel like Christmas.

Called my mother yesterday and she cried because she didn't have any Christmas decorations up and because she misses my Dad.  I swear I was sympathetic and kind and said we'll come over tonight and do it but I wanted to scream WHEN THE FUCK HAVE I HAD TIME TO DECORATE YOUR HOUSE?---I HAD YOU GUYS OVER FOR DINNER LAST WEEKEND WHEN I WAS TOTALLY EXHAUSTED---I'M SCRAMBLING TO GET READY FOR CHRISTMAS MYSELF---I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN.

sigh

I know I'm not doing enough for her and having Debbie stay with her just points that out to me but honestly I have nothing left. 

Nothing.

Today I need to schedule a haircut appointment for her and make poor Ernie take her because I just am NOT spending the Saturday before Christmas doing stuff for other people.  I just am NOT.  I've said no to everybody that has asked about Saturday---work included.  I am going to spend it with my guys and we'll have a good time if it fucking kills us.

HA.

So we'll go over to my mother's after work today and try to make it Christmasy and try to still be home in time to get dinner for Judi.  We went out last night Christmas shopping so Ernie just made his world renowned scrambled eggs for her before we left. 

Bit of a debacle with babysitters/boys/chain of command last night while we were gone.  Gotta work all this stuff out.

I'm trying.

I really am.