Morphine and othe notes....
Today may have been one of the most miserable days of my life. HA! That probably isn’t true a bit but oh MAN did it feel that way. I suppose there were some bright spots. First and foremost----I LOVE MORPHINE! Or rather, Judi does…..it is MUCH better at controlling her pain. She seemed like a different person today and even ate some food. I think we’re going to have to go to a patch rather than the liquid so we don’t have to keep getting up in the night to give it to her but it really seems to work for her. So that was a good way to start out the morning. Then I went downstairs and read an email from a friend of several decades telling me our friendship is over and explaining why. Words fail me. Words fucking fail me.
So on THAT bright note Ernie and I took off for his oncologist appointment. Waited quite awhile…then got into all sorts of confusion because somehow there were two appointments set up for him one with each of his oncologists. I have no fucking idea----I missed his last appointment because I was picking Judi up in South Carolina. Evidently I am NEEDED, huh? Finally got straightened out only to find that his PSA is up. Not the news I expected. I think I’ve been so frazzled by everything in my life that I almost wasn’t worried about this---even yesterday I had joked with a friend that it better be good news because I sure as hell couldn’t take any bad news….
He will have a bone scan on Thursday. Barring any bad news from that they will probably leave his treatment the same for the next three months and then decide whether to add some other things into it. My heart just breaks. Maybe that sounds dramatic but my heart just fucking breaks.
Oh, and hell, I’ve told all these friends of Judi’s to check my blog and here I am swearing up a storm. Oh well. I guess it’s better than when I sent all her friends a link to a post called Fuck Cancer. She was highly amused----you sent them all something that says fuck cancer? Um, well, yeah….. Anyway…I must tell you….I am just bone weary at this point. Bone fucking weary.
However, to be fair…..there were other bright notes besides the morphine. Friends have brought dinners over the last several nights which really helps as by the time we have Judi settled down for the night we are wiped out (thank you Beverly, Sasha, Dick Pie Crust Detzner and Susan!). Leo and Owen both gave her multiple kisses and hugs, ran up and down the stairs with popsicle orders and Owen even gave her a couple of balloons to keep her company.
I called in sick, well, er stressed to work and I hope they understood. It was one of those moments where I just hit a wall. I was in such a state there was no way I was going to accomplish a fucking thing and I wanted to be with Ernie. So we went to Fries and Peanuts and I drank several glasses of wine after having had no breakfast. The A team of Mary and Amy were kind and loving. We came home---our gorgeous friend Gail had been staying with Judi and even got her to eat some lunch….of course her husband Jeff is a great cook…. Later my dear friend Shelli called to check on me and listened to me cry. You know…as miserable as this day has been….we are SO blessed with good friends. I wish we weren’t short one but so it goes I guess. I am doing the best I fucking can. I have been trying so damn hard but I guess sometimes I fail. Oh well…..hats off to morphine I guess…..