Feeling Frozen

I feel somewhat frozen.  I sit here paging through seed catalogues or poking around the computer.  I’m probably going to either post a ton or very little.  I don't know.  I can’t seem to make myself do anything productive but I can’t relax either.  I heard Judi calling a minute ago and I went up and helped her go to the bathroom and get back into bed.  She is so weak.  She looked at me with her big brown eyes----Judi has always had beautiful eyes----and said in a puzzled voice, “I shouldn’t be this sick.”  And I held her hand and said, “you’re dying Judi, it’s o.k., this is what has to happen. It’s o.k. honey.”  She looked at me and said, “Am I really?” and I said, “yes, I’m sorry….but you are” and I told her that I loved her.  I asked her if there was anyone else she wanted to come visit, other than Gina who is scheduled to come next week, and Debbie who comes on Wednesday and she said, “no, you and Ernie and the boys are my family.”  I told her yes, we were her family and that we would be with her always and she would be with us always.

I start to panic because I don’t think we have everything ready paperwork wise and financially.  But it’s just silly stuff---that will all work out.  There’s just part of me that rears up and thinks WAIT…..I’M NOT READY.  But I don’t know that you can ever be ready…even if you are waiting for it. 

I talked to the boys and told them we were getting closer.