Friday Morning
Hard to believe that it is Friday already. It seems as though it is still Monday and I'm saying that I can't come in to work for the week. Frankly, on Monday I didn't think she'd still be here on Friday. Nobody could ever say Judi isn't stubborn though and in fact during this dying process she has often reminded me of our father, a wonderfully and proudly stubborn man ( Leo definitely has some Joe Voelkl in him!)
Yesterday evening I called the hospice nurse on call because Judi was having pain even after her full dose of morphine. They had me add another patch----how the fuck am I supposed to keep track of three different three day patches? They also said I could start giving her the full dose of morphine every two hours instead of four.
She's not really responsive today. She opens her eyes but doesn't seem to see. She moans a little and her breathing is slower than ever.
I slept okay but woke up exhausted. I think I'm just at the end of my coping ability. All I want to do is sleep. Debbie stayed with Judi overnight bless her. I'm so grateful she and Nancy are here. Nancy just feels like family now. And I think Beverly might come over as well----people are so kind.
I can't thank everyone enough for their support, their wonderful food, their offers of help, their kind words, thoughts and even poems. I am overwhelmed by the kindness shown to Judi and my family. Once again I'm sorry I'm not responding to emails and comments any longer but I read each one and they mean so much to me.
In some ways this has seemed to go slowly and then I remember that it was just a week or two ago that I would come home from work, say hello to the guys, get myself a glass of wine and go up and sit with Judi for awhile before making dinner. It wasn't that long ago that I made this simple meal of roast chicken and zucchini that Judi ate and said was the best meal she'd ever had. It wasn't that long ago that she would lie up here listening to all our chaos downstairs and laugh at us. It's all so fast and it's all so slow.