Wednesday Afternoon

I know I just keep posting and posting and posting but it's hard to focus on anything else and I can't read, I can't sit still so here I am.  I did have the random thought that perhaps it seems as though I am live blogging her death but if it does.....so be it.  It's comforting to be able to just keep spilling out my thoughts and feelings.

We talked to the boys again last night to tell them that Aunt Judi would be dying pretty soon.  Leo just looks at me with those big, sad dark eyes while Owen confided to Ernie that he really hoped she didn't die until after he got his new Lego set because he really wants to show it to her.

Leo is quieter in his devotion but oh so loyal so you find him leaping to do things for her like bring her a popsicle or whatever else it is we need upstairs.  Owen is Owen so for instance upon opening a bag of potato chips (I've been buying the boys treats of late) his face lights up and he races to get a bowl from the kitchen and fills it with chips---then races upstairs yelling (because he doesn't know how to do anything quietly) "I'M BRINGING CHIPS FOR AUNT JUDI."   This was the other day so Judi weakly thanked him and the chips sat up there until I secreted them downstairs into the trash.

You know, I go along....sitting by Judi's bed.....telling her's she'so.k.....giving her morphine and lorazepam....and I feel as though Iknow what's happening. 

Then it hits me.....my sister isdying.  My sister will soon be dead.  My sister, who is always therefor me no matter what upsets or irritation we might have had with one another....the one who Ithought would be there forever for me....she's going to be gone soon. I know she will always be with me in my heart but I want more.

Judi's dear friend Beverly has been sitting with her today and it's been nice to have a break and get a few other things done.  My sister Debbie got into town and will be here soon....and one of Judi's dearest friends, and a fellow Buddhist, Nancy will be here and stay overnight with her.

Here are some still photos from her visit with Arjia Rinpoche.  He's beautiful, isn't he?  Thanks Amy for getting the pictures.