Tuesday Morning

It's only 9:15 but it's been a long morning already.  I was hoping to sleep late since I'm not going in to work but Judi started calling me at 6:30.  I stumbled in and gave her some morphine.  Tried to sleep a bit more but she started calling me again.  There's been another shift---used to be evenings were when she was very restless and anxious but the last few days it's been in the morning.  I finally convinced her to take her anti-anxiety medicine but it hasn't seemed to do a whole lot.  She's so restless....she wants to lay down....she wants to sit up....she wants to lay down....she wants me on the bed....she wants me in the chair.....she wants to sit up....she wants to lay down.  I guess it's all part of the process.  Asking for Dad and Grandpa.  Told me she wanted to make flowers for the babies.  What babies I don't know but I told her she was a wonderful person.  She had some real pain...put in a call to the hospice nurse and we're waiting to hear back from the doctor.  She seems to have calmed down a little bit.  Every so often she looks at me and says "I didn't know it would be so fast." 

When Owen came up to kiss us goodbye before going to school I was laying in the bed next to her.  He plopped himself down in the chair by the bed, swung his feet, sighed and said, "two sisters in bed...that's nice."  Then he crawled  up on the bed to kiss us both. I gotta say....I do really have the best guys in the world which I will try to remember next time I want to kill them. 

I should call my mother and see how she is.  Yesterday would have been her 57th anniversary with my father.  Instead she spent the day in pain and anxious about her prescription coverage.  I don't want to call right now though because Judi seems to be dozing and I don't want to wake her....and I don't want to miss a call about her pain medication.  Probably won't hear for awhile though as they have to get hold of the doctor.

Judi is so anxious today.  She keeps worrying about Ernie too.  She asked me if he was in hospice.  Keeps asking if he is o.k., if Leo and Owen are o.k.  I keep telling her we're all o.k....that she's sick and that's the only thing wrong.  One time I told her she was dying and she said, "oh don't say that."

I'm rambling, aren't I?  I can't focus on a book though so I just sit here googling things like "physical stages of dying" and rambling on here.