Fear

Ernie's treatment regime isn't that hard on him physically right now.  Mostly he gets tired but otherwise he feels o.k.  But then we spend hours at the Cancer Center in the' Infusion Suite' and you know what?  It scares the hell out of us and we get totally freaked out.  Generally speaking Ernie is Mr. Stoic and won't admit to anything but when he does admit to the fear.....and wonders how long he will live....it fucking kills me. 

Although...in some ways...in makes it easier too.  To know we are BOTH terrified of the future....well, it feels good not to be alone.  And yet it hurts me so much to see him in pain.....  So although it's easier when we both admit that the fear never leaves us....it hurts too. 

I never imagined this kind of pain. 

Of course, who does?

When Dr. Sapiente gave us the most recent bad news about the cancer spreading into Ernie's bones.....I immediately teared up of course.....  He thrust a box of kleenex into my hands and I said, "but you don't understand...you don't understand how IMPORTANT he is....." And I cried and cried.  I told him that the whole time I was trying to get Judi through her last night, giving her morphine over and over....I kept saying to myself I'll NEVER do this again...NEVER.  He just looked at me and let me go.  I suppose they are trained to do that.....just let the person vent....and then move on....  He was very kind.....as was the nurse who had to deal with us afterward.

Ernie and I talked about our grief for Judi today.  Sometimes it's hard to separate our grief about Judi from our fear about Ernie.  

Ernie and I have shared so much in our life....I just never imagined that we would share this fear.