I Guess Madonna Needs to Meet Larkin, huh?

There are certain words that the boys know are forbidden and I NEVER have heard them use....we've had talks about them and they understand the reasons and they also understand that not everybody has the same rules but that in our family, in our house, in our yard, etc....this is what goes.  At heart they are good and thoughtful boys so they seem to really grasp it.  The words I really care about we have no problem with (now why the word 'booty' continues to hold sway over them despite my protests I don't know..... and I think Leo likes to say 'ain't' just to make his brother explode, "MOM, MOM, LEO SAID AIN'T.").  And I think they understand the difference between 'bad words' i.e. swearing which I fear they hear too much of.....and 'offensive words.'  They are smart enough to know the difference and to know that while swearing is not polite----it doesn't hurt people the way other words can.  And note.....my boys are 7 and 10. 

So......the other day I was reading Rolling Stone while in the bathroom.  I find it somewhat embarrassing that I read Rolling Stone but for what it's worth....we got a cheap subscription and it is indeed my favorite bathroom reading material....well that and Newsweek.  Good LORD but I'm old.  And to make it worse I was reading an article on Madonna.  I gotta say.....never been a Madonna fan, never got it, never will.  Whatever I might think of her music however, I would never say she's anything but a very smart woman.  And so, despite my dislike of her....well, that's not fair....not dislike----perhaps disinterest is a better word....I was really taken aback to read the following quote (emphasis mine):

The songs that I think are the most retarded songs I’ve written, like‘Cherish’ and ‘Sorry,’ a pretty big hit off my last album, end up beingthe biggest hits,” she tells RS. ” ‘Into the Groove’ is another song I feel retarded singing, but everybody seems to like it.”

First off of course is the fact that she sounds less articulate than my 7 year old but really, her use of the word 'retarded' in that manner really grated on me, and if you can be disappointed in someone you don't particularly care about, well....it disappointed me....or startled me at the least....

And I thought to myself, well I guess Madonna needs a dose of the inimitable Amy Armstrong.  I have not a doubt in my mind who would come out ahead in that encounter.  So with that thought in mind I'm reprinting a post of Amy's that I found particularly compelling.

It’s been an interesting week here in Champaign-Urbana.  The Daily Illini, a local paper writtenand published on the campus of the University of Illinois, had 1 letter to theeditor and 1 editorial addressing the usage of the word “retard” or“retarded”.  Both were well writtenand laid out the reasoning as to why the words shouldn’t be used in any civilconversation or otherwise.  To capthat off a local TV station found the story of the radio DJ who used the wordon air more than a month ago and asked to interview the station manager and myfamily.  We agreed thinking itwould create awareness. 

The radio station has been wonderful in working withLarkin’s Place at the Y, offering PSA’s, and promotions of any upcoming eventswe have.  However the story turnedon both of us, as I was unaware the DJ was no longer on the air or employed bythe station and the TV story slanted it slightly enough so that viewers thoughthe was fired over this incident. Which he was not.  Not thatit matters because if he had used any racial slur he would have been fired andthe r word is no different, we just need people to understand that.  But enough people wrote in about howterrible it was that he lost his job over it and it made us out as if we wereon a witch-hunt.  Which we aren’t.  We are on an education campaign and theDJ failed to understand why using the r word is hurtful and not funny. 

I was dismayed at the comments that followed because theycame from supposed “higher education” students and graduates of saidUniversity.  I normally don’t readthese comments as people who hide behind their computers refusing to meet faceto face with those they hurt are cowards. They don’t deserve my time or efforts.  It was a constant stream of how funny the word is and itdoesn’t mean anything, thicker skin is in order, and my personal favorite“freedom of speech” and being PC is tiresome. 

Political correctness (adjectivally, politically correct;both forms commonly abbreviated to PC) is a term applied to language, ideas,policies, or behavior seen as seeking to minimize offense to gender, racial,cultural, disabled, aged or other identity groups. 

Doesn’t sound too bad to me and honestly it just seems to bean elaborate explanation of what my grandma used to say “just be kind” and“treat others as you wish to be treated”. We are not on a witch-hunt.  We are here to educate so I will begin with the not so funnypart. 

When Larkin’s doctor sat down with two terrified parentsholding their 3-week-old baby girl and delivered the line “Larkin has Trisomy21″there was no laughter.  Insteadthere was a mother who held her baby girl close and felt the air leave theroom.  There was a father who, nowchanged forever, began to heave from his stomach and choke on tears. 

A mother who stopped the doctor fromtalking so that she could turn to her husband and calm him with the words “thereis a lot of love right here and we are going to be fine and so is she.  You, me and this little girl … lot oflove here and that hasn’t changed” 

A mother who handed baby girl to her husband so that hecould feel her in his arms.  Feelher life.  Feel her breathing.  Feel LIFE and know that we wouldnavigate this hiccup. A mother who asked the doctor to step outside and show herto a phone.  A guise to remove thedoctor from the room so dad wouldn’t feel the impact of the following:  Mother to doctor “her heart, her heart,her heart” all said in a gasping whisper. Doctor to mom “Amy it’s ok and they can do so much these days if thereis anything wrong” 

No laughter. 

When Larkin’s Pediatrician and Neurologist sat down with twoterrified parents holding their 5-month-old baby girl, who had been thrivinguntil then, and delivered the news “Larkin has Infantile Spasms” there was nolaughter.  Instead there was amother who held her baby girl close and felt the air leave the room.  There was a father struggling to absorbyet another blow. 

No laughter. 

Anger yes. Frustration yes.  Sheerterror yes.  A sudden education inthe human brain and treatments yes. Nothing funny. When Larkin’s Neurologist in a large city away from the safeconfines of home sat down with two terrified parents playing with their19-month-old girl, delivered the news “Larkin has Lennox-Gastaut syndrome”there was no laughter.

Insteadthere was a mother who leaned back heavily and felt the air leave theroom.  A mother who instantly feltas if she was falling away while sitting down.  A mother who realized that her baby girl could die.  A father who by now was used to theblows but still flinched as the sledgehammer came his way.  A father who now had so much educationunder his belt responded through his grief with the responsibility requiredfrom a parent of a child diagnosed with triple the weight of catastrophic braindamage.  Developmental delays.  Mental retardation.  Retard.  Retarded. 

No laughter. 

Nothing funny. 

Now lets walk down the fun part. As parents we are changed.  Grandparents, extended family on both sides, friends,community members, school friends, Fourteen’s life and outlook, co-workers, andstrangers, are changed.  Themajority of those who surround this little girl are different.  Andy’s friend said it best just lastweek.  ”We are all changed becauseof Larkin.  We are moreunderstanding and careful with our words and actions”.  Music to our ears because it wasgenuine and heartfelt passion for the war we wage. 

We all feel differently about what is important.  We all feel the sheer and total joy atwhat this little girl has accomplished. When her smiles returned and the first time we heard her laugh, sittingup on her own, responding to her name, giving us affection, using her treadmillto ingrain the pattern of walking, using her walker all the way to using herwalker purposefully.  Eating cakefor the first time on her 4th birthday. 

A mother holding her baby girl close.  A father swinging his daughter over hishead with joy.  Air back in theroom. 

Lots of laughs and even tears of joy. 

But not in humor. 

Joy yes. Praising her doctors for their help and guidance yes.  Praising God for giving us such a giftyes. We have so much pride in this little girl that when we hearthe word used as an insult, way to demean someone, to feel less than, to laughat a joke - it is beyond disrespectful. It shows that the user has no compassion, love, or empathy in his or herlife.  It shows a lack ofeducation.  It shows a lack ofbeing kind.  It shows a lack oftreating others as you wish to be treated.  It shows ignorance. It shows the users flaws. She has no control over what life has handed her. 

We have had no control.  And to address the “get thicker skin” comments.  Skin only gets thicker because of abuseand scarring, it’s natures protection but not what was intended.  There are friends who leave us out ofplay groups.  Friends who havechildren who ask questions or stare in a manner that clearly shows they havebeen exposed to an inappropriate conversation about our daughter.  Left out of birthday parties and thatgap will only widen as Larkin gets older. It’s a grief that never ends and our skin does become thicker but sodoes our compassion, understanding, and acceptance. 

We do have control over how we react and education is ourfirst approach.  Our second is towalk away with our sunshine and leave those who desire darkness to remainthere.  Only because we know theirday is coming. 

There will be a day when they are affected by mentalretardation.  It’s not a questionof IF but WHEN - There and then maybe they will finally realize the joke hasbeen on them all along.  But wewon’t laugh.  We will accept themwith open hearts and arms.  

I love you Amy and Larkin.....  Madonna?  Not so much.....