I Don't Know Why
The week just crashed down on me this afternoon and I really don't know why. I left work at noon as I do on Fridays, had lunch and then headed over to the hospital. My mother was clearheaded and resigned to the nursing home. She said even when she'd been insisting she'd go home she knew better. She also told me that every morning except this morning, she's woken calling out for my father. She said she supposed it was because whenever she'd been sick he'd always taken care of her.
He did. He really did.
Of course it took hours and hours for her to get discharged. I sat there, too tired to read or look at the laptop. I don't really know why I was so exhausted but I was. Finally my mother told me to go home. It almost felt funny to have her mothering me again. I said I would and then go see her at the nursing home later. We both cried a little.
Ernie called as I was getting into the car and I just cried.....and then I cried all the way home, periodically apologizing to the car and saying to it, "I don't know WHY I'm crying." The car didn't say anything and I eventually calmed down. It was just so hard to shatter her hopes this morning and tell her that she HAD to go into the nursing home. She was trying to insist that she could go home and I sat there clutching the phone saying things like, "well, how are you going to go the bathroom then, huh Mom?" and I felt so cruel.
I got home and Ernie met me at the car and walked down the alley with me. I looked up at him and said, "I don't know why I'm so upset." He just put his arm around me, kissed the top of my head and said, "oh honey, it's emotional" and I felt so incredibly grateful for him. He took me in the house, sat me down and gave me a glass of wine and some ibuprofen for my headache.
Right now he and the boys have gone to the nursing home to check on Mom, bring her a pillow from home and the pictures of the Judi and the boys that we had on her wall in the hospital.
I am unbelievably blessed with my family.
And I'm crying again.