Frustration and Balance....

I couldn't fall asleep last night and of course I'm trying to swear off the Unisom so I just laid there.  I went up to bed early as I was so tired but then I laid there sleepless, watching the Olympic skating and not particularly enjoying it.  The visit with my mother was frustrating and left me feeling helpless and frustrated all evening.  I need to get a handle on dealing with this because it takes enough out of me dealing with this at the best of times.

I know how unhappy she is and I understand that of course she wants to go home but I can't change things.  Last night she was upset because it took them so long to come and get her out of bed and into her wheelchair.  She kept complaining that she wanted to visit with me.  It didn't matter that I pointed out that we could visit while she was in bed.  And it gets frustrating---if I say "it's o.k." she'll say, "no, it's not" or if I say, "I know, I know" she'll say, "no, you don't."  Last night in bed all I could think of was how much Judi went through without complaining and I felt resentful.  But it's apples and oranges and God knows my mother has gone through a lot in her life with great strength and dignity so if at 80+ while in a nursing home she wants to be cranky....I just need to let it go.  I can't change the way she responds.  I want to----I want to say, 'come on...try to keep your mind engaged...don't just give up and focus on the negative' but I don't think she could really, really hear me.  And as my sister and I discussed recently, I think her confusion is probably worse than we think it is.

So I need to work on how it affects me....  Today I have a doctor's appointment late afternoon and then need to do some shopping for her....then do I go visit?  I don't know.  Her  homecare worker continues to visit her almost every evening so she does get other visits.

I don't want to feel like I'm shortchanging the boys by my focus on my other family.  Sometimes I wonder if they will someday resent all the time I have spent in the last few years taking care of those apart from them.  I hope not for they really are the lights of my life.