Mom

Let's see....where to start?  Tuesday morning the nursing home called me to say my mother was having problems breathing and was lethargic and they were sending her to ER for evaluation.  This has become so commonplace that I didn't even rush over.  I said it would be hard for me to leave work unless it was an emergency----she said no and she'd keep me up to date.  She was kind enough to do so and later I learned that she was being admitted and that they'd determined that she hadn't had a stroke and they were doing further tests. 

I headed over later to Carleland and went to the appointment with the gynecologist and thankfully she cheerfully said my tests were o.k. and I didn't have to worry about uterine cancer.  Thank you very much.  So I went to see my mom.  I found her in the stepdown unit again...most likely having had another heart attack.  She was quite confused and still had restraints on her wrists from trying to fight the oxygen.  After a bit she knew me but it wasn't good.  She had a fabulous nurse who spoke a bit to me about what lengths I wanted to go to for my mother.  I told her I really needed guidance on the options because I didn't want this life for my mother.  I thought about a talk I'd had with my mom in the hospital last fall after one of these episodes.  I remembered her talking to me and I realized she was a different person then.  Every time this happens we lose her more of her.  The hospitalist came in and although I hadn't met her she had (of course) seen my mother in the past.  We talked about options and I decided to take my mother off everything other than oxygen and pain killers for comfort.  I called my sister and she agreed.  Ernie came in to sit with us.  I called Mom's homecare worker Sara and had her come in.  Sara is really heartbroken.  Mom was kind of her second chance at having a mother.  We sat there for awhile.  Eventually we left....I was having a hard time being there.  Sara stayed with her for the rest of the evening.  The phone rang at 6:30 yesterday morning and they said they had gone in to check on Mom and found her gone.

Ernie was just coming upstairs to get me up and he held me and gave me tissue to blow my nose.  I came downstairs and told the boys.  Owen burst into tears and Leo turned and looked at the computer hard before looking at me, with his chin wobbling, and saying, "I guess it happens to everybody."  I hugged them as tightly as I could and told them how much my mother adored them and how proud she was of being their grandmother....how even last night when she was so sick, when I mentioned  the boys she smiled the sweetest smile.

The rest of the day was filled with trying to figure out what needs to be done and periodic tears.  I love my husband even more for how broken his heart is.  Ernie and my mother always had a special bond.

We went to breakfast.....and later out to lunch.  I thought if I had some wine with lunch I'd finally be able to nap but it wasn't until late in the day I finally could doze off with a cool, wet cloth over my eyes.

She was eighty....and it was time for her to be out of pain.....and yet it still hurts. She really was my best friend.  I keep hearing her voice in my head----the way she'd say hello when I answered the phone.

I will miss her forever....and I know I'm lucky that  is true. 

It just hurts....despite her age, despite her pain, despite my good fortune.

Thank you so much for all the kind wishes and thoughts.....I know I'm just one person that goes through this----so thank you all for thinking of me.