Sleepless

What has slowly become clear to me over the last week isthat what I am dealing with is not just the death of my mother but the end ofthe two year journey I have been on. I haven’t been able to sleep at night lately---even when I was so sickwith the flu and had a fever I still couldn’t sleep.  Last night was the same.  There is too much whirling through my head.  Some worries, but moreimportantly---just so many memories. I went to church with Debbie and Owen yesterday and of course thatbrings back memories, some funny, some hard, of my father.  And when Debbie and I went to my mom’shouse yesterday and starting dividing up the belongings, well of course I feltthe loss of Judi.

The last two years have been a blur….well more than twoyears really---two and a half I guess. Judi was diagnosed with bile duct cancer in fall of 2007.  Alzheimer’s stole more and more of myfather and he died in May of 2008. By then we’d already been through Judi’s surgery and she was in themidst of many brutal rounds of chemo. She moved into our house in fall of 2008, died in early 2009 and then my motherbegan her downward spiral and now she is gone.

And of course looking at her house and the somewhatoverwhelming thought of clearing it out and selling it….it all stirs up so manymemories, SO many ghosts.

The boys are o.k….although Owen was crushed when I told himwe were going to sell Grandma’s house. We let them pick out a few things from the house.  Leo mostly looked for small tables toput Lego on, boxes and the like—also for Lego.  He also picked out an umbrella that had been my mother’s anda scratching post for the cats. Owen wanted EVERYTHING. Debbie and I went through all the large items pretty easily.  She is taking more of the furniturethan I thought which will make it a bit easier.  Of course we have to get it shipped to Boston but that willbe o.k. 

I am just so very, very tired.  More than I can even begin to explain. 

There are moments of relief and hope though.  There are.