Life After the Sandwich....

I had lunch with my dear friend Ann yesterday (he pad thai was good but I should havegotten it spicier.  Next time I’llback to my old favorite of pad see you). We hadn’t seen each other in awhile so we got caught up on jobs and kidsand husbands and music and then she asked me a lot about how I was doing andhow I was feeling.  I told her thatI was feeling good, feeling lighter and happier and yet somewhat discombobulated,feeling as though my feet aren’t firmly on the ground.  She recounted what our friend Sasha hadsaid about almost missing the burden after her mother died. 

As I drove back to work…and then home because the car is themost peaceful place for thinking these days….I pondered that.  The more I tossed that around in mybrain I realized that part of what I am feeling is a loss of identity.  When I started this blog in the springof 2006 I named it The Sandwich Life because being in the center of thatsandwich of aging parents and young kids---well it colored everything about mylife. 

Of course as the last four years have passed, more thingscomplicated my sandwich---my sister’s illness and death, my husband’s ongoingduel with cancer----but first and foremost I identified myself as the center ofthat sandwich.  And I don’t think Iwill ever be as proud of anything in my life (other than my children) asputting that role of caregiving in the forefront of my life.  Not that I have done it perfectly or alwaysgracefully, but I think I have been successful at realizing the importance ofit, both the cost and the enormous gifts of it.

So here I sit, a sandwich no more.  And it feels funny. I’m still a mom, still a wife, still a worker drone, still a musiclover, still an antique collector and dealer, still all the many things thatare part of me….but I’m a sandwich no more.  And I guess that’s why I’ve been feeling adrift. 

I remember the first time I went out without Leo when he wasan infant.  We had to go to theHighdive for a Record Service event and so we got a babysitter and went…..andall night long I felt as though I was going to tip over because that weight,the weight of that big headed baby that had been holding me down for the pastsix weeks….well, it wasn’t there.   And now the weight of caring andworrying about my parents and my sister….well, it’s gone and I have to figureout how to balance myself again so I don’t tip over.

Kane Welch Kaplin tomorrow night will help.  They will help a lot.

And in the meantime....pondering lampshades just might help too.  Thank you Richard for this clip of David Olney at our house.