Fucking Cancer
Judi's been on my mind a lot lately. It's funny how grief ebbs and flows.
We've been watching the PBS show Call the Midwife. We love it (thanks for the recommendations on facebook), well, at least Ernie and Owen and I do. Although I think I did get Leo to watch about 10 minutes of an episode once. Chummy is one of Owen's favorite characters and recently he mentioned that she reminds him of Aunt Judi. As soon as he said it I saw what he meant...something about her mouth...a bit of the eyes and the glasses....I could see it. The season finale was quite dramatic, threat of death, etc. and Owen and I whimpered and moaned through it all. It was a happy ending and we giggled happily but about 10 minutes later I looked over and Owen was crying. When I asked him what was wrong he told me he just missed Aunt Judi so much.
It breaks my heart. I held him and we both cried a bit. We agreed that we knew that it was only because we loved her so much, and she us, that it still hurts....but that doesn't really make it easier. We got through it but it made me wistful...and think about the fact that it was just a few weeks ago that Leo broke down about Judi. It's been four years. Four longs years, four short years. The boys are such different people than they were then....and yet they are still the little boys that adored their Aunt and felt wholely and utterly adored by her. I guess you never get over a loss like that. And selfishly, I'm almost happy they grieve because it means they remember her. I heard from a friend of hers in Atlanta the other day (hey Liz!) and it made me so happy. I love knowing I have connections---no matter if the threads are as whispy as the fact that they read my blog occasionally---to people that loved and knew Judi. I want to know that it's not just our memories in which she lives.
I know I've said before that I'd never heard the phrase about grief coming in waves, until my father passed away. It is so true. I am watching someone else I love struggle with cancer right now and well...I don't know what to say after that. I gues that's all there is to it: I am watching someone else I love struggle with cancer.
I saw Ray Manzarek died of bile duct cancer, just as Judi did.
Fucking cancer.