Out of Control
I guess itdepends how you look at it. Sometimes being out of control is a good thing....outof control because of pleasure, or out of control because someone else istaking care of you... And then again...sometimes it's because you feel helplessto control the things you want to control, that you feel you NEED to control.And that doesn't feel so good. God knows we're never really in control of ourlives....it's just that sometimes we THINK we are.
And sometimeswe realize we're not in control of a damn thing. We can control how we respondto things happening....but often that's easier said than done.
This morning....the fact that I am not incontrol of my life hit me smack in the face. I had an MRI scheduled for 7:15.The boys were incredulous that their morning routine was being screwed up. Weleft one one his way to school and one in a state of ummmm.....a high level ofdistress. Sometimes you just have to say "suck it up" though and walkout the door. Feels lousy.
When I had talked to the doctor she had askedme if I was claustrophobic and I said, "uh...well....yeah." Shesaid she could have sedation ready. However when I talked to the nurse thatactually scheduled it, she said I would be fine since it's the open MRI and notthe closed one. I was a little confused so I just nodded pleasantly. I learnedthat trait from my mother. This morning as the tech led me back she said,"you're not expecting sedation, are you?" So I, of course, in orderto be agreeable, said, "oh no." I learned that from my mother too.
The machine looked fine...hurt a littlegetting on the table but that was fine, listened to all the directions, and putmy ear plugs in. She slid me under about a foot and I said, "OH, I can'tdo this." She was incredibly kind. She pulled me out immediately. Wetalked for a minute and she told me to close my eyes and she'd slide me all theway through and then I'd be able to look out and see the room. I obedientlyclosed my eyes. I opened them when she said to, and said, "I can't dothis."
I felt like an idiot and wanted to cry.
Sigh.
I have to reschedule. I quickly walked out ofthe waiting room toward the parking lot with Ernie scrambling to catch up. Igot in the car and cried. I just cried. Cried because I couldn’t make myselfdeal with it, push myself through it, cried because I’m worried and frustratedabout a situation with one of the guys. I cried just because I could andbecause I can’t control things I want to control.
Ernie triedto find tissue to no avail and told me everything would be o.k. I love him.
He took meout to breakfast. I sat at a table and waited while he ordered and got the food.I’d left my phone in the car so I sat and just watched people and rememberedwhat that feels like. I wondered how everybody else was feeling. We split a wrap which had, according to the menu, egg, turkey sausage, ancho-lime salsa, jalopeno cream cheese and pepper jack cheese. The warmth of the spice felt good in my mouth.