Off Balance

We were at the Cancer Center yesterday morning. For some reason I hate being there in the mornings. We normally go mid afternoon and finish up the day there. It's just a different feeling. There are a lot more people there in the mornings it seems....more gray people sitting quietly in chairs covered with blankets and hooked up to poison. Sometimes it's hard to process. We didn't have one of our regular nurses. Ernie did a crossword puzzle...I tried to get a bit of work done on my ipad.

Before the infusion however, we met with the oncologist first. Ernie's PSA is fine. It goes up and down a bit which always stresses me out but it is still below .1 so I really can't complain. Our oncologist then told us he was leaving Carle. It sounds like it's a good move for him; I certainly can't begrudge him for it. Somehow though it made me feel kind of empty. The oncologist we will see in the future is (of course) one I've seen a few times with other family members and I liked him very, very much. He seems to be a very kind man and while that may not be the most important trait in an oncologist....it's one I value.

Nine years. We've been seeing our current oncologist for nine years. Nine years ago the boys were still in preschool. My parents were alive and doing o.k. Judi was fine, settling into South Carolina. Later, when Judi was dying and she moved in with us, he is the doctor she saw. Nine years ago feels like a lifetime ago. I was a different person.

We finished the appointment and he walked us to the check out area. I think we shook hands. I can't quite remember. It felt kind of impersonal. I felt off balance the rest of the day.