I don't even know why

Tonight we watched the last couple of episodes of the tv show Parenthood. I haven't felt great yesterday or today and there was a snake incident outside so we were just tucked inside for the night (I know the snake wasn't TRYING to attack me but it showed up right in front of the front steps and it should have known that was off limits). I really liked the first season or so of Parenthood but it seems like some of the writing has gone downhill. We've been sucked in though so we keep watching.

During one of the last episodes a character was saying goodbye to another woman dying of cancer. Ernie immediately began sniffling. Me? I'm a master of denial. I picked up my iPad and started pecking at facebook and said to Ernie, "just shove it away, just shove it away." I have this icy part of myself that can do that although of course it doesn't really shove it away. He wiped his eyes and said, "I just miss your sister so much."

I just sat there dry-eyed, feeling it. Feeling how much I missed her.

I read an interview with Ian Hunter once in which someone asked him if he missed Mick Ronson on stage. And of course I'm paraphrasing greatly, but what he said was something to the effect of, "Mick was the one who put the steaks on the grill...that's what I miss." And while I might have that quote completely wrong, I think of it often. What I miss about Judi isn't her talent or skills or ambition, although those were formidable, what I miss is the role she played in our everyday life. I miss that she was going to take the boys on a trip with just her as soon as they got old enough. I miss that she was going to give the guys a dog when they were old enough even though we didn't want one. I miss the fact that she would drive me crazy on the phone, but that she was the one I called first with any questions about jobs or universities or our parents...or to complain about anything that was affecting us. I guess I miss the way she would have put steaks on the grill if she were Mick Ronson.

I miss the part of our life that she was, and can never ever be replaced by anybody else.

Ernie got up much, much earlier than me today and when he was getting tired I went to bed with him. I laid there playing songs on my iPad and all I could think of was Judi. I can't even say why. Eventually I came downstairs to sit at the computer.

Look how cute we are. Lord I was so much thinner...and no grey in the hair. And Judi.....Judi always had the best laugh. Look at her. We were sitting on my parents' back steps. Maybe 1990ish?

For some reason I started playing songs from one of my all-time favorite albums....The Lost Weekend by Danny and Dusty. 

This song has always made me cry.

Love to everybody that misses Judi....and those who cry when they hear this song. I want to thank you and I don't even know why.