Pin Pricks

Sometimes when I'm feeling good I pull out some memory of a time when I embarrassed myself, or did something awful, something I hate to remember. It's as though I want to test myself...a little pin prick to make sure the nerves are still there. Is that odd? Do others do that?

Today for some reason I did that and I pulled out a memory of Leo. I can't remember what birthday he had his first birthday party with other kids. We did it at our house (I learned down the road that it was sometimes easier to farm it out somewhere). I was somewhat exhausted by it all but Leo was happy. Now Leo's my firstborn and I wasn't fully indoctrinated into 21st century parenting. All I knew was that we didn't have big birthday parties like that every year when I was a kid. So the next year I didn't plan one. We talked about what we would do for his birthday and what he wanted. That day we got ready to do something, I don't even recall what, and he looked puzzled and told me we couldn't do that. I asked him why not and he said, "Because the kids will be coming over soon."

Broke my fucking heart.

I had to say, "Ohhh honey, the kids aren't coming over this year, maybe we can have a big party next year....."

And he just looked at me sadly with those big brown eyes.

God...that one still really hurts. I guess the nerves are still there...I don't need the pin prick....

My poor sweet pea.