Thanksgiving Past: 2010

2010 was kind of a hard year.

I guess it was a combination of not having any Thanksgiving guests for the first time since I started cooking Thanksgiving back when I was in grad school---and more than that it, the realization staring me in the face that I will never cook Thanksgiving dinner again for my sister or my parents. And as much as I miss my parents, it's my sister I grieve the hardest. In the past day or so, two different friends have made reference to the fact that the second year is the hardest. Well, it was the third without my father, who always polished the silver and said grace, the second without Judi, who despite adoring us, used to have to take a nap midway through the day because our family was sensory overload for her, and the first without my mother, who sometimes, not all the time---but sometimes, felt like my other half. And despite my efforts to make the day different and focus on the joys of my family....I was a total failure. Sometimes you tell yourself that you are the adult and you can do this and it's up to you to make things special for your children....and while sometimes you manage it, sometimes you just freaking fail....

.....I headed into the kitchen to finish cooking and somehow everything fell apart. By the time both boys said they didn't even want Thanksgiving dinner I had had enough and turned the stove off, yelled at them and closed myself in the media room. Ernie was slightly more adult and lectured them and sent them to their rooms. Owen eventually came downstairs crying and apologizing and asking if we were going to throw the turkey out. Eventually I ended up sitting in a chair with both boys on my lap as all of us apologized to each other. Leo suggested that he make brownies for dessert which I knew was an offer full of heart so I accepted and let Ernie and him mix them up while Owen and I watched a Sponge Bob. God bless Sponge Bob and his sweet little heart. I went back to my half finished food and I gotta say....I'd like to suggest a mid cooking tantrum to everybody because the brussels sprouts were the best ever (even Ernie said so which is an accomplishment) and my turkey was the best I've ever made----counting fresh heritage, fresh grocery store turkey and good old cheap frozen ones. My gravy was similarly stellar. Who the hell knows..... I didn't have the table set as nicely as I should have but we did use my mother's china which always makes it seem like a holiday. Owen cheerfully pronounced it the best Thanksgiving ever....well, also the worst he admitted, but the best too....and we all agreed next year would be better.