Flow Blue and That Other Place

I woke up with that vague sense that something was wrong. Then I remembered I'm pissed at one of my children and therefore pissed at myself.

Sigh.

I remember years ago, one summer in Maine, hauling deadweight screaming toddler Owen away from the midway at Old Orchard Beach, getting pitying looks from other parents and fighting back tears. We hauled him to the car and let him scream and I sat and cried. My sister Debbie was with us, and she finally delicately asked, "Uh....why are you so upset baby sister?" It makes me laugh a bit now to think about it, but it made me realize that one of the worst things about your kids acting up is how mad you get at yourself. I don't think I'd even acknowledged that feeling until I thought about her words later. Now in hindsight Owen was just being a typical overtired toddler that didn't want to leave, but I swear to God....carrying him through those crowds as he screamed made me just want to weep that I was a failure as a parent.

Now I know I am no better or worse than most parents but that guilt still crops up at times. When the kids fuck up, and even though now I know they are separate beings with their own strengths and their own faults, I still feel that awful sense that I have failed them, I have not prepared them as I should have. I also know that's a bit overwrought and in the light of day I can shrug my shoulders and say that everyone has to make mistakes.....but when it's not the light of day I can't help but sink into that other place.

Said child is upstairs, in theory working hard on school work. I sit here still a bit grumpy and out of sorts. 

I took some pictures of my recent purchase and it makes me feel a bit better. Whenever I get a piece that has one of those old red and white tags on it utterly delights me. And this is ALL Diana Eyre's fault because she went and admired the plate my bagel was on in a picture the other day. So I thought to myself that yes, I really DO love that plate. Not even sure where it came from....whether it was my folks' or Judi's.... Now I have three pieces Diana, and you know what that means....

Onward.