The Sandwich Life

Onward, and Getting Support

The folks that know me, or happen to read this every so often, know that I have struggled with my health over the past year or two. It really started about three years ago. I was just sick, sick, sick ALL the time. Every single cold or bug that came down the pike knocked me out. And I just felt lousy all the time. I started to try different things, cutting out caffeine, cutting out dairy. Neither seemed to do anything. I did a Whole 30 for a month and realized that I felt a lot better not eating gluten. I started cutting that out and it helped somewhat. It did seem like I stopped getting so many colds after that. I still was having problems though; ulcers, low B12, dizziness, brain fog. I went from doctor to doctor to doctor. They all told me I was stressed and depressed. "Yeah, I KNOW that," I said, "but that's not all of it." Last year it became a nightmare. I could barely walk any distance, my hair was falling out, I had to go on medical leave, and when that ran out I left my job. I should have tried to go on disability short term but I just couldn't think clearly. Eventually, as you may know, I found my way back after seeing a Functional Medicine doctor. I changed my diet pretty dramatically. I am a million times better, but to be honest, I'm not completely there yet. 

I've been working with Elliott Counseling Group on a start-up of a support group for those with chronic illness or health issues. Click here to go to the Facebook page. I've attended two of the preview groups (the support group starts in September, but they're holding preview groups so people can get a sense of what they will be like) and they were really powerful experiences for me. To sit in a group of people that can completely relate to others not believing you are really sick, to making the rounds of doctors and getting no answers, to struggling with things like fatigue, guilt, anger, self-doubt. It was incredibly affirming. Just the act of going and openly acknowledging that yes, I have a chronic illness was helpful to me. I've never been part of a support group before. I tend not to be a 'group' person. Remember, I dropped out of Brownies. This seems really powerful to me though. I know many folks I know are also struggling with some of these same issues so I wanted to let you know about this. There are two more preview groups (they are only $11, and the 12-week group is covered by insurance and there is a sliding scale as well). There will be two groups, one on Mondays at 5:30 pm, and one on Tuesdays at 10:00 am.

Think about doing this if you struggle with any of the same issues as I do. I was surprised, although perhaps I shouldn't have been, at the way that everyone in the room had completely different health issues or stories...but could all relate to the same experiences and feelings. A lot of laughter, a few tears, a lot of support. 

If you are in the Champaign-Urbana area and could share this post I would appreciate it. I think it's truly important.

Also, if you want to message me with any questions, I'd be happy to chat.

 

Balance. And Coneflowers.

I think my cold is finally receding although I wake up coughing every morning. What amazes me is how my body can keep producing this gunk. Where does it come from? How can I KEEP blowing my nose? Don't answer those questions. I was exhausted last night and went to bed before Ernie (which is rare as he gets up hours before me). I must admit I panic a bit when I start not feeling good or being really tired. There's a hint of PTSD in this (not to make light of that in any way). Last year was so awful, and I was so incapacitated, and yet some people just didn't take it seriously or believe me. Invisible illness. It took me a long time to work through that, on so many levels, that when I feel a familiar sense of exhaustion or weakness, I start to panic. I panic, thinking maybe it's coming back. I try to calm myself, and remember that stress is a crazy exacerbator. It's a question of managing myself, getting enough rest, not pushing too much. I am focusing on work right now, working with a number of different clients and it is going well. This cold just really knocked me out and it's taken me longer to bounce back than I thought. So I will have a quiet day today, get some work done, and also rest.

Balance, balance, balance. 

Onward.

Side note...how am I getting pink and white flowers on the same coneflower plant?

 

Memories Are Made Of This

Boo just sent these to me. Look how beautiful she looks. Must have been a holiday party at 306 W. Columbia...so woulda been 1984 maybe. I believe I am wearing Christmas tree beads around my neck. Good God but I loved eyeliner....and those apartments. Look at that tile. The tile in our kitchen was the same gray at the base, but then with maroon edging. We painted the walls pink. Heh. And look at how cute Ernie is in his black sweater in the other picture.

 

 

Artists and Avocados

Thanks to everybody that came by to see my photos at 25 O'Clock during the Boneyard Arts Festival. It felt like a big step for me. My friend Ann laughed at me for being so nervous, as did a few others, but for all that I throw a lot of my life out for the world to see, that is done with no claims. It is merely a documentation. Doing this made me feel as though I was saying I was aspiring to claim to be an artist, and that was a big moat to jump over for me. Loving thanks to Ella, Tom, Ceal, Roger, Ann, and everybody else who helped me, as well as to folks that came out to chat, all my good friends and others I don't know as well. I was touched. I know it's good to do things out of your comfort zone, and this one was. Combined with the car accident, the Mott show, and a few other things, it felt like a hell of a week. I am still processing it in many ways.

Oh, and the reason that this picture is fuzzy is that I hadn't realized I'd switched off autofocus. Oops. Nothing but real life here.

In other news, don't go to Aldi's on a Tuesday around 3:00. It was overwhelming and I got pinned by the avocados for quite some time. Here is dinner prep, with said avocados, salmon, and the result.

And below, if, you are wondering, is a Le Creuset pot full of burned chickpeas. Whoops. #cookingfail

Onward.

Oh, and here you go!

 

 

I'm a Fragile Little Ecosystem

I continue to feel pretty good----and about a million times better, but I do find that I am still figuring out what I can handle and what I can't. In doing so I have come to realize that I am a fragile little ecosystem. My boys jeered a bit when I announced this fact but I think it really is a good descriptor. Cauliflower and I have now parted ways...for life. Garlic and I continue to look longingly at one another from across the room. We're like Romeo and Juliet, although I do hope neither of us die.

In other notes, I was in NO mood for the Cancer Center the other day. I know, I know, when IS someone in the mood for the Cancer Center? It was just one of those days and when one Carle worker took eons to check us out, and ignore what we were saying, Ernie started getting that giggly nervousness that he gets when he sees me getting really irritated with someone other than him. I made it through however, as did he.

And, now, for a little treat, I will leave you with two old pictures of my husband. They are both from before I met him, but pretty freaking cute.

Onward.

Pondering Eyelashes

The other day I looked in the bathroom mirror and blinked, and I noticed that I seemed to have eyelashes again. Now, they're not thick and luxuriant, nothing to write home about, but they feel like a miracle to me.

Over the course of the last three years or so I have been trying to figure out why I felt worse and worse, came down with every single bug or virus, and started accumulating various low level auto immune issues. I went from doctor to doctor and pretty much just got told to live with it and up my antidepressants. That's the life of a middle aged woman in the hands of conventional medicine. I obediently followed directions, saw a therapist to help me with stress. I gave up gluten for the most part...started the low fodmap diet. These bits and pieces helped but only so much. I was overwhelmed with fatigue and brain fog, making it impossible to function well, much less work. I felt hopeless and frustrated. After being on medical leave for much of 2018, and being harassed about that, despite my doctor's support of it, I left my job. No job. No health insurance.

I felt horrible, I couldn't think clearly, my hair was starting to fall out, and my eyelashes had almost disappeared. I was dizzy and couldn't walk distances. I couldn't imagine trying to look for another job while feeling that way, and although there were ups and downs, I seemed to be getting worse, so I made the leap and saw a Functional Medicine doctor. I felt like there wasn't any other option. It wasn't particularly easy for me to step outside conventional medicine and the health insurance system. It was scary and, for us it was a big financial commitment, but there didn't seem to any other direction left to me.

That was in September and I now feel like an entirely different person. I feel sharp and clear eyed again. My energy is coming back, and so are my eyelashes. I could have cried when I saw those wimpy little lashes in the mirror the other day. They may not look impressive to anyone else, but to me they symbolize so much. I've lost over 40 lbs, and although that wasn't the major goal, it's been a delightful by product. The other day, as Ernie and I wandered through an antique mall in a small town somewhere, the oldies playing made me want to tap my foot, and it made me think of dancing. I couldn't even think of the last time I wanted to dance. What a gift.

Functional Medicine looks to the root of your illness, rather than treating symptoms. They do extensive testing and tailor your diet based on the results, as well as prescribing supplements, and working with you to lessen environmental issues. I have a long way to go still, and in some ways it's been hard work, but in other ways, it's been incredibly easy. I think it's been simple for me because I was so ready to make a change; I just needed the direction and help and support. The doctor I've been seeing, Drew Duquette, and his whole team, in Bloomington have been fantastic.

It has been a life changing experience for me.

Now, to see where it leads.

 

Sharp and Clear

I've been quiet of late. I'm in kind of a peaceful place. I mean, I need to find a job, and I should be tense about that, but I feel SO much better, physically and mentally, that there's kind of a cloud of bliss floating around me. I saw my doctor the other day, he and his team seemed really happy with how I am doing. It's kind of mind boggling to me...how DIFFERENT I feel since I started seeing him. My first appointment was in October, and I really started the diet/supplements around the fist of November. I can't begin to tell you the difference between the way I felt then and the way I feel now. My dizziness is 90% gone, my brain fog, all the digestive issues, everything is 90% gone. I lapse back quickly if I cheat, but I haven't cheated much. Eating while traveling is hard....I was craving one of my smoothies by the time we got home yesterday. I've also lost weight, which although it wasn't the primary reason for doing this, has been a great bonus. The biggest difference is really in my brain....the way I feel and think....I've lost the sluggishness and the fog that made it hard to function. I feel sharp and bright and clear again. I feel more like myself than I have in some time.

So I'm floating along in my little bliss. The real world and its worries are there but I feel more able to deal with them.

Last night's last minute dinner. Ernie splurged on a pizza but I quite enjoyed my big bowl of Brussels sprouts, grass fed beef, and pomegranate seeds.

We did some more wandering again over the weekend. The eeriness of Cairo, Illinois has stayed with us. The pouring rain and slightly flooded fields didn't help the miasma of bleakness.

nice ghost sign though, huh?

However, we also found lots of wonderful things, some healthy, some abandoned. As always, I like the abandoned ones better. Is it just that I think they need me?

As always, if you like these pictures, follow me at Instagram. I've been enjoying posting there lately!

 

 

 

Onward to a Happy New Year

2018 will not go down as one of my favorite years. It was a difficult year both physically and emotionally, but DAMNED if I didn't smile all the way through the little slideshow of pictures from it that I just put together. That's why I do it, and why I write here. While sometimes I write about the bad things, and the little squalls that blow through, more often than not I find myself writing about the many good times and people that are in my life, and that reminds me of how very fortunate I am. 

We may not have had as many house concerts, but we went all out with the ones we had!

Wild Ponies 
February

Kieran Kane and Rayna Gellert
March

Corb Lund
March

Brock Zeman and Blair Hogan
May

Adam and Chris Carroll
July

10th Anniversary House Concert
Jason Ringenberg with Fats Kaplin and Kristi Rose, and the Taxi Boys
October

Here is our 2018, house concerts and boys and food and garden and cats. It was a quieter year for Ernie and me, less travel, fewer house concerts, but the boys seemed to blossom, so all was good.

Here are the ones from the last few years if you have time to waste, as I seem to do!

 

 

 

 

State of the Cynthia Address

Well, here I am. Three weeks into my diet on the auto immune protocol with lots of nutritional supplements, four weeks into dropping the foods that I showed an autoimmune reaction to in my tests (eggs, dairy, pork, chicken, wheat, soy, and alcohol). Overall, I am feeling much more like myself. I have more energy, and I don't have as much dizziness, shakiness, and other symptoms that were frustrating me so terribly. I rearranged the living room the other day. I know, it might not seem like a big deal, but I haven't had the physical energy to do that in the past year or so, or the emotional energy to even think about it, or WANT to do it. I've been getting out of the house more as well, going on some drives, looking for my beloved little Pyrex fridgies, or signs and buildings to photograph. The only downside of that, is that the one silver lining to being so quiet and still was my back didn't hurt as much. I'm glad to have the pain back however, if it means I'm feeling better otherwise. 

Ernie deserves an award for being so supportive. Once in awhile he has something else to eat, but by and large is eating what I have for dinner (breakfast and lunch, we're all on our own...and the boys sort of eat on their own these days). Last night was wild caught frozen 'ground' salmon mixed in with a ton of cabbage, with zucchini, with cumin seed (even though I can't have most seeds, I can have cumin and curry...don't know why but I am grateful) and turmeric. It was damn tasty. 

I meet with the doctor this coming week, and I am HOPING that a few foods get added back in. The diet is restrictive, and let's face it, can get kind of dull no matter how you work at it, but it's easier than it sounds really. It is pretty much impossible to go out to eat, although if I give up on the wild caught/organic for an evening I can do it. The other night at the Esquire I had the salmon salad, hold the onions and tomatoes, and I brought my own dressing. See? Doable once in awhile.

And, in other news, Bob seems to like me these days. I'm not questioning it.

Sidenotes:

1. Yes, I know Bob does look like an alien because of his eyes.

        2. I've been enjoying posting a lot of old pictures on Instagram. If you like, follow me at, of course,  thesandwichlife.      

 

 

A Grain of Sand, Friends, and House Concerts

The other evening I got something in my eye. I guess it was early evening because I remember complaining to Leo as he got home from work, while I fussed with my eye. I couldn't see anything in the eye, and couldn't manage to get rid of it. I finally decided I would just go to bed and it would gone in the morning. Denial has alway worked so well for me. Ha! I slept a few hours and then began tossing and turning, alternating trying to ignore it, and trying to flush it out. Eventually I stomped downstairs and tried eye drops. Nothing. I took another shot at flushing it out and got it. I have no idea what it was, a little white goopy thing, but damn, it hurt like hell, and the relief I felt when I finally got it was akin to when Leo's huge head finally popped out me when he was born. Lord that child had a big head.  As I patted my face dry, I went into the kitchen to get a drink of water and saw the clock, 4:58 am. I almost cried. I thought it was the middle of the night. I went back to bed as Ernie got up and finally got a few hours of sleep.

I'm trying to look at the whole thing as some kind of analogy or parable; something that feels huge to you at the time, and overwhelms you, turns out to be a tiny thing, and makes little difference to your life, only a short period of misery that fades away in daylight. So, I am looking for daylight to see clearly and see what the day will feel like without my grain of sand. 

As some of you know, I am no longer at my job. I had taken several months off while I tried to figure out medical issues to no avail. I am working with another doctor now and am hopeful that I will find a solution. In the mean time, I am fine generally, just fighting exhaustion, etc., etc., etc. I spent several hours yesterday trying to look at insurance options and lost several years off my life. That's good in the long run, as it will save several years of health insurance premiums, right? Lord, this country and health care.

Anyway...I must say, the whole "it takes a village" idea has never been more true with this house concert, or more needed. Friends have stepped up and WAY BEYOND, helping us get ready for this show and truly making it happen. Ernie (who has some minor health issues bothering him at the moment that have slowed him down) and I will be forever grateful, and realize more than ever what an incredible chosen family...a family of friends....we have. We send all of you our love.

I can't wait to see you all tomorrow night. There is nothing more joyous and healing than music, particularly with our beloved Jason Ringenberg, Fats Kaplin and Kristi Rose, and the Taxi Boys. There are still a few spaces left, so just yell if you are interested. The more, the merrier. I hope you can join us....my heart will be full!