Fear and Kane Welch Kaplin

Had nice talks with both my sisters tonight.  Judi and I talked awhile late this evening----she saw her oncologist today and had found it hard.  I understood so WELL (even though mind you I’M not the one with cancer) as we had found our last oncology appointment so difficult.  In fact, I feel like I’m still reeling from it although I can’t really explain why.  No news was that bad but it just brought it home so severely that I have really been dogged by it of late.  I think that’s why I have felt like I am in such a state of suspended animation recently.  Sometimes I am fine but then again sometimes I am just overwhelmed by waves of fear.  Just fear.  Fear for me, fear for Ernie, fear for Leo and fear for Owen.  Life is so uncertain---it doesn’t need cancer to make it uncertain….but just the same it’s a big word and it is hard to shake.  Most of all I am afraid for my boys.  No boys could adore their father more than mind do and no father could love their sons more….

Ehhhhh FUCK I hate this.  I’m being crazy….I KNOW Ernie is going to be around a long time…I truly do.  It’s just that sometime….I can’t help but be scared.  I could never make you understand how much I love him…..how much he means to me…how much he IS me….

I am going to focus on the present damn it.  That’s why we decided to be crazy and ask our beloved Kane Welch Kaplin to play at our house…now I just need to figure out if we’re crazy for doing that….and try to get our house ready....and hope they don't think we're crazy for squishing them into our living room....

IN THE PRESENT…IN THE PRESENT….IN THE PRESENT CYNTHIA DAMN IT.