More Random Notes Because I'm WAY Random These Days....

1.  The happy birthday banners and balloons are still up in the living room from Owen's party last weekend.  I mentioned to Ernie that perhaps it was time to take them down.  He informed me however that Owen had decided they should stay up for Martin Luther King's birthday.  A brilliant idea of course....I bow to Owen....

2.  The other morning I was putting my tights on and Owen was watching me.  He said, "what are those?" and I told him they were tights and reminded him that he used to call them my 'long socks.'  I took the first pair I'd gone to put on and wadded them up, casually saying, "I'm going to throw these out, they've got a bunch of holes."  "NOOOOO, don't do that Mommy," Owen screeched.  I turned around in surprise and looked at him, "but honey, they're no good--they have lots of holes."  He looked at me pleadingly and said, "you don't have to wear them Mom, but just KEEP them....you have lots of memories with them."  I gave him a kiss and told him he was right---I did have lots of memories with those tights---and I set them carefully on the sideboard.  Ernie just shook his head and gulped his coffee.

A couple of weeks ago Ernie was unpacking some of the boxes from Judi's house and came across the little wooden box with ashes from her cremated cat.  He walked into Judi's room and said, "uh, where do you want this?"  She told him he could just throw them out.  From behind a chair where Owen was hiding came a screech.  "NOOOOO, you can't do that.  You can't THROW AWAY your family."  So Owen is now the proud keeper of Callie's ashes.

Death and family and loss.  A lot to think about.

3.  I got obsessed last night with worrying about how my mother will see Judi as things get worse.  The stairs are getting harder for Judi---although she's still fine on them but the stairs are out of the question for my mother.  When Judi gets weaker how will my mother see her?  I thought about moving Judi into our media room which is downstairs.  For awhile I thought this was a good idea but this morning, given that it's 13 degrees below zero at the moment---I remember how COLD that room is.  hmmmm.  My mother's not that heavy---could two people just HAUL her and her wheelchair up a flight of stairs?

4.  Last night Leo managed to casually stick a dagger in my heart when he commented that we didn't see Grandma much anymore.  I of course immediately sprouted tears.  I guess I'll never get over the easy tears...  I hugged him and said, "I know honey.  I'm trying to take care of her but I'm also taking care of Aunt Judi and I work and, well...."  He kissed me and said, "that's THREE jobs Mom....and it's really four because you take care of us too.  That's a lot of jobs."  I held him tight and told him the job taking care of him was the most important one.  "Well, of course," he giggled.  Oh I love that boy.

5.  Judi's had a lot of visitors this week and is pretty exhausted.  She seems to get very anxious before she goes to sleep so one of us sits with her for awhile.  She gets short of breath and it panics her a bit.  We've got some medication that helps with it and with the anxiety that it induces and/or causes it.  So she takes those pills and then some pain pills and then we sit and talk a bit while she starts to drift off.  She misses Wally's presence.  I'm trying to convince our cat Hattie to start sleeping on Judi's bed but so far no luck.

6.  A social worker came by yesterday---I was sorry to miss it but I've missed tons of work lately between appointments and illness.  She is going to look into some other financial options for us.  Judi's health insurance unfortunately is pretty lousy. So much for the State of South Carolina's Blue Cross Blue Shield plan....

7.  Ernie almost wept last night when he found out school had been cancelled due to the cold again. Given MLK's birthday this gives the boys a five day weekend.....