O.K. O.K......

I'm going to be more cheerful if it frigging kills me.  Hmmmmm.....now where have I heard THAT before?  HA!  I will try though.  I was feeling so good a week or so ago and then things seemed to hit hard again.  Grief really does come in waves I guess and I've been missing my sister terribly.  Just grieving.  I find myself wanting to call her or email her----to tell her that Owen thinks that since he doesn't go into the woods that The Boy That Cried Wolf doesn't apply to him.....that Leo is getting a Young Scholar's Award from the School District and gave one of those sweet little one sided smiles when he read the letter about it....  I think having the anniversary of my father's death this weekend and realizing that it's already been three months since Judi died.....it's made me look back at the year and then I feel the weight of it on me.  And of course, as always, I worry about Ernie. 

Suffice to say I have pretty much given up wearing mascara....

I went over to my mother's house after work yesterday to pick up my cell phone and found her not in great shape.  The anti-depressant she's on has helped with the depression somewhat but she is overwhelmingly sleepy.  The other day her home care person called us and said she couldn't get hold of her on the phone and the door was locked.  This was after 10:30 in the morning.  So I drove over convinced she was dead, making funeral plans all the way to Urbana.  I walked in the house, saw her lying still on the bed.....I spoke to her but she didn't stir, put my hand on her arm and found her warm and thought 'well hell, she's not dead anyway.'  I told her she took a few years off my life....  She was so confused when she woke up that it was almost 11:00.....she'd been sleeping since bedtime the night before.  Of course this fucks with her insulin and I don't like the idea of her sleeping so heavily frankly.....given that she sometimes has bad reactions in the night.  Ernie called a bunch more assisted living places yesterday since only one of them responded to my emails.  Hmph.

I don't think I'm sounding more cheerful, am I?  Well, let's see.  Last night Owen told me he was writing a song....he said he didn't have all the words yet but he sang the guitar intro for me and told me it was called Mom Is Coming Home.  I just lined up a babysitter so we could go see our old friend Brad's band The Handcuffs at Cowboy Monkey on Friday (thanks Susan).  Now I just have to figure out how to stay up late...  So those are good things.  I work on Saturday and then on Sunday we'll take my mother out to see my father's grave and then try to have some kind of Mother's Day/Memorial festive meal. bleh.  Oops, cheerful, cheerful, right?  Ahhhhh....well, our tree peony is starting to bloom....let's go with that.....the garden always comes through for me....