Stinking Rage
Sometimes I feel as though the only thing that energizes me is rage. Actually, Ernie and I joke about it sometimes....he always says his baking is good because instead of baking with love----he does it with rage. The boys just roll their eyes. And I can't remember if I wrote it here or not----but one of the things I want to focus on is trying to energize myself from the joy I find in my life. I work hard, and in fact this blog helps me, to find the joy in my life---for there is indeed much. But sometimes I think I need to work harder to take that joy and use it to energize myself. I have been sick so much this year and I figure much of it is due to stress and exhaustion----so how can I change that? Well, I was thinking of trying to use the joy to energize me----there must be a better word but that's what I came up with. Today though.....I got really angry at the guys---with good reason I might note---and laid out a new set of rules and I thought....the HELL with joy.....RAGE REALLY ENERGIZES ME. Of course I'm not sure this new plan will keep me healthier so I may still have to do some fine tuning.
I got to the nursing home today and walked into my mother's room to find it stinking to high heaven. She'd asked for a bedpan but hadn't realized that she'd already started to go a bit. So the aide told her she was done---that she didn't need a bedpan. She asked three more times for a bedpan but was told she was fine. So understandably she shit all over her bed. Someone came in and told her they come clean her up as soon as they could---they had to help somebody else first. I got there and sat with her 20 minutes waiting, went and asked at the desk, was told somebody would be there soon and they'd page them again, sat another 20 minutes gagging from the smell, staring at CNN with my mother, opening the window a crack periodically because even the single digit cold felt heavenly as opposed to the heat and smell of the room. Finally an angel named Joseph came in and helped her. He wasn't assigned to her room but came because they were in a pinch----which I do understand mind you. Anyway he was wonderful. She and the bed were such a mess that it took most of an hour for him to get her cleaned up. Her catheter, her call button for Christ's sake----all covered with shit. This should really help the open sores on her rear end, shouldn't it?
I'm grateful for Joseph because I know he went above and beyond what some of the others would have done----like the one that told her she didn't need a bedpan for example. He was kind and respectful and understanding. He cleaned her and cleaned and cleaned her---which is painful for her sores despite his gentleness. Then he got her dressed and into a wheelchair and I took her out to the lounge while he went for disinfectant to finish cleaning up her bed and room.
By that point I'd been there a couple of hours so I sat with her a bit, wheeled her down to the eating area and put her at a table with some other women she knew. I kissed her goodbye and drove home with the windows wide open because I couldn't get the stink out of my nose.