Mothers and Compost

A friend sent me a song about his mother and man, it broke my heart.  Not in a bad way though....  Hurt isn't all bad and God knows sometimes the tears are good.  I just miss her so much. I miss the way she would say, "oh helloooo" in a pleased voice whenever I would call.  I would give anything to have a tape of that although I guess it would just make me cry all the more.

I know that I was so very lucky to have her so long and we were lucky to have the relationship we did.  And whenever I look back and start to question my decisions, I know I did the right thing.  And yet, it's hard.

Sometimes I laugh.  My mother always dressed beautifully and loved clothes.  As much as she loved me she would shake her head over my casual no-iron tendencies and the like.  Even the last night at the hospital when I had decided to let her go and she was confused and miserable....when Ernie came in to sit with me she perked up and said, "oh Ernie's wearing a different shirt" in a pleased voice.  And that just cracks me up and I laugh inside.

One time before---when Leo was just an infant---she was in the hospital and had a psychotic reaction to a drug.  Loads of fun let me tell you.  But later I had to laugh because as part of her hallucinations she saw fashion shows in the hallway and one of those contraptions that holds IVs because a mobile with pictures of Leo's face.  I loved that.  Polly Voelkl to the core.

I miss telling her the funny Owenisms and Leoisms.  I just miss her.  And I know that's the price of loving someone so much.....so I can't regret the pain.  I am lucky to have it.

Here's a picture of my Mother's Day gift of compost....it has a matching pile of mulch on the other side of the house.  My husband is very good to me.