Pissed Off and Grateful

I signed up for this thing called Track Your Happiness. You get texts 3 times a day for two weeks and they ask questions about how you're feeling, what you're doing, etc. It sounded kind of intriguing to me to think about what makes me happy. Every time I hear the little door bell sound of a text I obediently tap away answering the questions. I was raised to be a good girl damn it, so I feel terribly guilty if I'm late.

I keep telling it how happy I am (except for a few times here and there) and part of me thinks I'm full of shit. I've got so many worries tumbling around in my head that I could cry at the drop of a hat. I feel overwhelmed by life at the moment, even though things are overall good. Ernie's PSA is down, I assume his shoulder will heal at some point, we'll manage the bills...my boys are beautiful and generally pretty happy I hope, but in some ways it hasn't been the easiest stretch. I mean HELL, nobody has died, which is refreshing but still.....

I don't even know where this post is going. I started it because I realized that I was going to get my little happiness report and it was going to say, "Good GOD woman you are freaking happy" and frankly I'm not at this moment. But then again I do realize that despite the ups and downs, I cherish the joys of my life (oh, oh, oh, and my new fence is up, I don't have to see the neighbor that hates me anymore!!!). Perhaps, instead of being stupidly happy or unhappy, I am just grateful that I am able to choose happiness, even when things are NOT going the way I would like. Not everyone has that choice. Some people, physiologically or psychologically, just aren't able to make that choice to be happy. I am so grateful that I am able to make the choice. Perhaps that's why I keep telling my phone I'm happy....because I know I am able to choose to see the joys....despite the rest.

I am grateful.

Still kinda pissed off at the world....but grateful.

And I'm not going to re-read this because I fear it won't make sense.