Beyond Words

The boys did their homework much too late last night. I needed them to be with me for awhile though.

Our beloved friend Mel died yesterday.

Ernie picked me up early from work, I had been busy there, still recovering from a recent, big event. We raced out, dropped off a co worker, ran to pick Owen up from Exile, and then got home. I started to decompress, Ernie went to watch the national news, I sat on my spot on the couch with my iPad. After looking at it for a moment I gasped so loudly that everyone ran to me. I just stared at the facebook page that told me that Mel had died that morning.

Ernie and I sobbed, while Owen grabbed the iPad to look at it himself, saying, "But I was going to make her a taco card, this can't be."

Owen brought me tissue to blow my nose. We all alternately cried and sputtered disbelievingly. I knew she was dangerously ill. I did not expect this so soon however.

Fucking cancer. Dinner plans went to hell. Ernie made Owen some ramen. 

We didn't know what to do with ourselves.

I read posts on facebook expressing the same shock and grief we were feeling. I sat and played videos of Sandwich Life House Concert shows until I found one in which I could hear Mel laugh. We talked about the little wine bag she always hung around her neck and the fact that I always made her light all the candles. I thought of her flying in the door, always one of the first, a beautiful plate of food with her and her big smile and laugh.

Later I remembered the time that Ernie and I had gotten the bad news that his cancer had metastisized into his bones. I had just lost a long time friendship and Judi had died only weeks before. It was a bad, bad day. We ended up drinking, eating Cheetos and watching the Blues Brothers. Sometimes in the face of grief you have to feel something else. So I told Ernie I thought we should watch a movie with the boys. He went upstairs and gathered them and we curled up in the dark and watched the Blues Brothers. Owen asked me if Mel liked that movie and I said I didn't know but that she loved to laugh and she loved music.

We laughed, we paused to cry every so often, and we sat close to one another. Leo looked at me understandingly with his big, wise eyes and Owen jabbered and talked. My sweet, smart Owen said that missing Mel made him think of other people we had lost and I nodded.

I haven't felt grief like this in a while.

I love you beyond words Mel.

with the girls, in the kitchen, at a show:

Mel with her little wine glass pouch at the Pat DiNizio show:

You can hear Mel's laugh several times in the beginning of this....I know there are others too....

 and then there's this....laughter and music for Mel....