Loss.

So much loss. So much pain. I woke yesterday to hear of the shootings in Orlando. It's unfathomable. The crime, the killing, and the people that defend the availability of that gun. It cast a pall over the day and yet, as much as I grieved, it didn't touch me directly so I was able to keep on with my other readings and to-do lists, etc.

Later that day I sent Ernie to the grocery store, having perfected a shopping list based on a tentative list of meals for the week. I hate being told what to do which doesn't always come in handy in life. In fact I hate it even when IIII tell myself things...which means meal plans hardly ever work. I've been brain dead while trying to cook of late though so I came up with at least some possibilities. I sat down and opened Facebook and saw that someone had posted an article about Matt Farrell's shooting. At first I couldn't make sense of it. You know how your brain can refuse to accept things? I kept puzzling as to why his name was there. Finally of course it hit me that this was real. I gasped. I started crying. I tried to text Ernie to come back home but I couldn't make sense of my phone. 

I sat there and cried. I thought of Mel, and Matt's smile, and the way Mel spoke so proudly and lovingly of him. Owen must have heard me because he crept downstairs and asked me what was wrong. He hugged me and got me tissue and something to drink. We sat and talked as I cried. We talked about Orlando, we talked about Mel, and Matt, and most of all, Matt's sister DeDe. Eventually I calmed down, he patted my shoulder and went upstairs. Evidently he went into Leo's room and told him what had happened as they Leo came padding down. I am so blessed with my boys, just as Mel was with her children. He sat with me and listened and hugged me. He got me ice for my drink and looked at me with his big brown eyes and said, "that's terrible Mom, that's terrible." Sometimes you don't even want to be comforted, you just want someone to say "that's terrible." God I love my boys. He sat with me a long, long time, even after Ernie came home.

I got up to try to cook some things for the week, thinking it would do me good. I was useless. Ernie and I curled up and tried to watch some non-news tv. Mostly I watched Facebook fill with horrified, brokenhearted posts. I tried to help Ernie cook dinner but I kept dropping things or spilling things. Finally he and Owen finished up. I tried to watch some of the Tonys. I couldn't focus. I took a shower and went to bed at 8:00. I laid there willing the sun to go down so the day would be over.

I got up this morning and read more posts, and the article in the News-Gazette. At one point someone commented that they hoped Gerard, Matt's father, was o.k. I realized it was the first time anyone had said anything like that and that broke my heart yet again.

I love you Mel. Hold your boy.