Trying

I'm trying to find a way to stabilize myself. I'm trying to be quiet. I'm trying to not feel guilt for the gifts I have, as I know that does nothing for others. I'm trying to think about what else I should be doing in my life. I ponder things a lot, hence this blog, but do I reach out to others often enough? I must admit I thought several times of reaching out to Matt and DeDe over the past months and asking them how their father was doing. I hesitated. I feared it would bring up worries that perhaps weren't clouding their minds at the time, and wondered what it would accomplish. Well, no, it wouldn't have changed anything, but do I need to push myself to reach out to others more often....on the off chance that some times it COULD help, even if just for a moment? What do we, as people, need to do? Yes, I can sign online petitions about gun laws....but I know perfectly well more needs to be done....by everybody....

It all overwhelms me a bit. And I know that, really, it is GOOD that I am sad and teary and tired...because it shows I feel and my heart feels. I know that sorrow for others is really a gift, because it is inverse to the care and love you have for them, and that is always a gift, even apart from what you receive back, but sometimes it is hard to acknowledge that.

So I am trying.