Tired and Sleepless
I worked late today...it was dark when I got home. I was ridiculously tired---far more than the day warranted. I think it's been a long week. I was supposed to go out of town on Sunday but got sick instead.....Monday I still felt iffy and we had the appointment with the medical oncologist Graham and Ernie got his Zometa infusion.....Tuesday I had an appointment with a counselor.....today we met with the radiation oncologist then to work and then an after work work thing.....for some reason you would have thought I'd been up for five days without sleep....I think it's just been an emotional week. Well, Ernie would say ALL my weeks are emotional but you know what I mean...
I came home to find Ernie and Owen sitting around the firepit in the front yard. I tried to walk over but Owen stopped me and said he was telling scary stories and that they were too scary for me. So I went inside, dumped my bag and got a glass of wine. I went back outside and Ernie convinced Owen that I could take it. So we listened to some of Owen's scary stories for God knows how long because time moves V E R Y S L O W L Y when Owen tells scary stories.....
I mentioned that Ernie's last radiation treatment was tomorrow so Leo asked me what that meant---and asked would the cancer be all gone. So I gamely explained that the radiation should have killed all the cancer in his bone where he was hurting but he'd probably always have some cancer and he would just get lots of drugs---shots and pills----to keep the cancer from getting worse. From there I plunged into a discussion of chronic diseases God help me. Then Leo said thoughtfully, "well, some people have things all their life....like autism." Even Ricky looked at Leo and said, "dang, I didn't know about autism when I was your age....." Then Leo explained autism to Owen and from there we segued into a discussion of words you use to describe people and how there are some words you should never say like retard or retarded. The boys know this but we still had some talking to do about it and I had to explain that some friends of theirs would probably say these words because they didn't understand how they could hurt people blah, blah, blah. Jesus H. Christ no WONDER I'm exhausted. I'm crazy about my guys though....they do me proud when I don't want to murder them and it was nice having Ricky there to chime in with his middle school experiences.
Ernie had dinner all ready which was lovely....I ate, watched a little American Idol to the background of Owen chattering and giving his opinion on songs, performance and outfits (in fact Owen insisted on muting the tv when whatever her name that got voted off sang at the end---he said it just sounded too terrible....Ernie almost burst with pride.....geesh). After that Ernie could tell I was so tired I was getting cranky so he sent me upstairs to read the Harry Potter book Owen got me at the library. I read for an hour or two but despite being exhausted I couldn't sleep. So here I am. The boys are both asleep in the media room (don't ask...they've turned on their bedrooms and I pretty much feel like 'what the hell' and Ernie is upstairs asleep. Bob and Hattie are running up and down the stairs and making them creak because they are so damn big and here I sit. I couldn't even entertain myself on youtube and as you may know....that's saying something.
I saw Duane Jarvis died of cancer today. 51. Same age as Judi. Fucking cancer.
My head has just been full today---full of thoughts, full of memories, not full of worries so much....just full to the brim. I guess I'll eventually get sleepy.....